It Takes A Village: VNV Wednesday – What God Has Joined Together

The Village News & Views May 17, 2017
Wednesday Get Over the Hump Free for All

Greetings Village Meese! It’s Day 118 of the Resistance and  another Get Over the Hump post and discussion thread for your reading, viewing and commenting enjoyment.

WTFJH Yesterday… Undercut.

Wonkette… Supreme Court Not Having North Carolina’s Jim Crow, Thanks And Fuck You

And mentioned in my post last week….

Marriage Equality Support at All-Time High; Republicans Still Lag

Why Trump Is Reportedly Planning an Unconstitutional Assault on LGBTQ Rights

For the opposition perspective, from CBN News (the Christian perspective)…

HISTORIC: Trump Restores Religious Rights and Protects Pastors on Day of Prayer

The article linked above admits that Trump’s EO “promoting Free Speech and Religious Liberty” is pretty toothless, however it is a shot over the bow. Think this is the last you will hear about it? Think again. The recognition of Marriage Equality was a deep setback to the freedom of Christian Conservatives to continue to dictate what is acceptable, what is to be reviled and rejected, in short what human beings can and cannot do as long as they breathe the same air as the aforesaid Christian Conservatives.

I’m aware this is not the biggest story of the day, and in fact probably seems like small potatoes by comparison with #TrumpRussia and the latest National Security gaffe/Constitutional Crisis du Jour, but you will have lots of sources for those stories.

For today, I thought I would make it personal.

Merriam-Webster defines marriage:

the state of being united as spouses in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law

Um, great, okay then what are spouses?

Definition of spouse

  1. :  married person

Great. Circular definition.

Dictionary.com actually has one of the best explanations for current times, not in the definition but listed under it as something they call a “Word Story”.

Marriage has never had just one meaning. Adjectives commonly used with the word reveal the institution’s diversity, among them traditional,religious, civil, arranged, gay, plural, group, open, heterosexual, common-law, interracial, same-sex, polygamous, and monogamous. And this diversity has been in evidence, if not since the beginning of time, at least since the beginning of marriage itself, roughly some 4000 years ago.
Multiple wives, for example, proliferate in the Bible. King Solomon famously had 700, although most were apparently instruments of political alliance rather than participants in royal romance. (For that, he had 300 concubines.)
Marriage can be sanctioned legally or religiously, and typically confers upon married people a special legal status with particular rights, benefits,and obligations. Access to this special status has changed over time. For example, the U.S. Supreme Court legalized interracial marriage as recently as 1967, while same-sex marriage, which for some time had been banned in many states or ignored in others, was in 2015 ruled a constitutional right for all Americans.

Not bad for a dictionary.

If you had asked six year old me what marriage was, I might have said something like, a man and a woman get married in a church and move into their own house, and have children.

I think that is the image that the Christian Conservatives long for, and the pressure to preserve that concept continues.

I did not grow up in that family, however. My mother and father were divorced, in fact the family story is that they divorced, remarried, and divorced again, the second time for good. I remembered my daddy only vaguely, and grew up as one of three females – Mom, sister, me.

At the time, it was what was called a “broken home”. My mother had a “failed marriage”.

So much judgement, so much condemnation for a sad situation where two people tried for something and eventually were estranged.

I never consciously sought to have that traditional family that I had missed out on. I had crushes on boys, some quite desperate but far more consistently, I had “best friends”.

I met the best of my “best friends” when I was sixteen. We clicked almost immediately, discovered rather quickly that interestingly, our birthdays were a week apart. She was well liked, popular, respected by classmates and faculty, I was the newcomer, smart, practiced weirdo, underestimated. We went to Mel Brooks movies and repeated viewings of Ken Russell’s Tommy, dreamed of being actors or rock stars or super heroines. We commiserated over “cute boys”. Yet we had a far deeper connection between us that either of us ever managed with a boy.

We soon realized, and acknowledged, that if Prince Charming or James Bond ever swept one of us off their feet, he would have to be okay with the constant, continued presence of the other. You be the wife, I’ll be the mistress, was our joke.

I knew she was beautiful, and that she didn’t believe it. I would have died for her long before I realized what it meant.

 

That notion of a marriage being primarily for the raising and nurturing of children is a powerful one, even logical. But somehow its power and its logic do not account for something that can happen between two people. I know it doesn’t happen for everyone. If you don’t experience it, I’m not sure how you ever believe in it. Maybe that’s why marriage for some always has to have as its glue the production of new people. It’s important. Not everyone can do it. It keeps the species going.

But there is still that one thing. That something that no one can see coming, that cannot be accounted for. That thing that you and one other person know. It doesn’t always work between a man and a woman who have children. It didn’t work for my mother and father, or for hers, so we know. Children, sex, a household…

The one word that reappears in definitions over and over that doesn’t require conventions of culture or religion, that is somehow universal… the word, union.

A marriage is a union. When two people become a single, unique thing, a thing that only those two people can become. If you want to think of it as the physical joining of bodies that is fine, but it will break down. Many couples aspire to be a union. Some manage. Some never do.

Sometimes it happens without anyone looking for it. You can know it in your soul but still miss the significance, especially if your world, your culture, your frame of reference insists that there are square pegs and round holes and that what you know is true, miraculous and strong, doesn’t fit.

 

I had asked her after the Supreme Court Decision in 2015, and endured a certain bruising upon learning that I was not going to get an immediate yes. I kept asking.

In February, I got an email from a list I’m on about a relationship seminar on an upcoming weekend at the end of which there would be a “mass marriage ceremony”.

I forwarded the email.

Imagine my surprise when she replied to my subsequent inquiry with, “it seems kind of cool… interesting…”

She said she’d been thinking.

It was real when we went down to get the license.

Like everything else we’ve ever done, it wasn’t like anyone else’s.

I told my sister, because she happened to come over to my apartment that Tuesday.

She told her mother the night before. “Well, that’s you,” her mom said.

I don’t know what my mom would have thought, she passed in 1989, two days shy of her 60th birthday. But my mother wasn’t that bound with convention. I think she would have been happy for me.

 

I was expecting a lot of couples, where we could hide in the back.

It looked at first like we were the only couple that showed up, although by the time the officiant had finished her remarks, it turned out there were two older men, and lastly, two rather young women, and us, three couples in all. The men wore matching shirts. One of the girls wore flipflops. We didn’t hide in the back.

We had orchid wrist corsages that my sister brought. And rings. The rings we bought for the ceremony didn’t come in time so we picked out rings we already had. They happen to be beautiful. Oh, and I had a sandal malfunction. I got married in bare feet.

 

The people we are Resisting would not accept what we have as a legitimate marriage. Do not kid yourself, if they get the chance, they will try and roll it back. They will continue to let us know we don’t fit. We don’t belong.

But we have a union.

That is worth every ounce of Resistance. It is worth fighting for. It is worth vigilance.

Thanks for fighting beside us.

https://twitter.com/EmrgencyKittens/status/864552292900536322

https://twitter.com/EmrgencyKittens/status/864340892685000704

Thank you for your patience. Love and peace, Village! Enjoy your Wednesday gathering.

We are #StrongerTogether

We are #TheResistance and #WePersist

All are welcome!

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About MomentaryGrace 41 Articles
I voted for the Democrat in every election since 1976. I appreciate honesty, kindness and courage. I loathe cruelty and indifference. I am Discordian. I mean you no harm. But if you are cruel, or indifferent, I may point and laugh. #stillwithher.

17 Comments

  1. {{{MomentaryGrace}}} – I am happy for you, still smile – no matter what is blowing up – when I think of you and Vonster. Such unions are sacred. And so very rare. It is not unusual to have that intense ‘crush’ on someone. It is very unusual for it to be reciprocated. That is a Gift and should be recognized as such.

    Meanwhile Healing Energy to you and of course we, your friends and allies, will Resist the Rs’ self-righteous, sanctimonious, and hypocritical attempts to roll back law and return us to Darkness.

    • Thank you BF. The officiant focused her remarks on friendship – marry your best friend. That this will be the one thing that sustains a lifelong relationship. We beamed and exchanged looks. We have had the lifelong relationship. We made it work. It’s an unanticipated gift to have this official acknowledgment – not necessary but unexpectedly precious. It has been a surprise and a joy I did not expect.

  2. Thank you. I’ve reread your post four times now, because I am so touched and moved by the beauty of your words and the emotion they communicate.

    And before I get way too sappy…OMG, Vanessa and Doug! :D

    • {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{DoReMI}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

      And yeah…. I was showing Vonster the post last night, I read it to her actually, but I made her come look at Vanessa and Doug… and she cracked up major which set me off. We laughed for five minutes. Kept chuckling about it on and off the rest of last night.

      Now you have a sense of the level of humor at our house. ;)

  3. Good morning meese at the Pond! Thank you, MG, not just for the diary but for letting us into your personal space with your marriage to VT. There have been many changes in laws and norms since I was born in 1956. I expect to live and march for even more changes. I had a full blown rant against the Christian belief in only M/W marriages because sex is for procreation only. My daughter and her husband have chosen not to have children. I can’t even imagine their reaction if somebody tried to tell them that they can’t have sex. The fireworks would be visible in Texas. 😂

    Time to grab the cup and get started on this beautiful hump day. Cool and sunny today with a high of 77. Perfect.

    • Yes, the whole marriage is only for procreation and nothing else and no one else gets to have sex ever is such ultimately hypocritical bullshit. It’s just weird. :)

      {{{{{{{{WYgalinCali}}}}}}}}}

  4. And now in the category of “Stupid Things That Still Somehow Bug Me”: I was reading an article (can’t remember which one), and it mentioned as an aside that Trump had a 60″ TV installed in the dining room. I don’t know which dining room in the WH, but I got the distinct impression that the reference was not to a dining room in the private residence. Who does that? And why? I really shudder to think what the WH is going to look like by the time 45* moves out…

    • I read that, too. It’s my understanding that it was an eating room off the kitchen. Most presidents had small tvs but he elected for big. That and gold drapes. Yuck.

      • Thanks…maybe it’s not so bad then? I think the reason this bugs me at all is because of the contrast to the Obamas. I’ve long had an interest in the history of the WH, and it was always very clear that the Obamas were extraordinarily respectful of the history and traditions and furnishings of the place. I can’t imagine 45* being nearly so concerned, despite all the reports of him reveling in providing tours of the place. But maybe I’m just being unduly bitchy…!

        • I’d imagine if it alters or damages the history or integrity of the WH, it’d be a no go. The kitchen has probably been remodeled extensively and numerous times. So, should be good.

  5. Thank you, MG, for sharing your joy and story with us. Both you and Vonster are beautiful, amazing women.

    I’m not married or in a relationship but I have thought about it for companionship and having someone to talk to. Having cats is nice but there’s only so much they can do in some aspects…

    • Yes this is true. Sometimes you need the friend, companion, partner or spouse… to gang up against the cat with…. ;)

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